Posted by Maria Alexander # 10:02 AM

Mega Zombie Invasion!

The other night, I had enough zombie dreams to even make Scott Edelman's head spin.

The series started with me hanging out in an old-fashioned shop. I was standing near the ancient cash register when the fellow who worked there -- tall, dark hair tightly curled, wearing a cap and other rather turn-of-the-20th-century-style clothing -- suddenly started making fearful noises. He had been in a heated discussion with one of the customers, who then lurched at him awkwardly. The fellow's face turned pale and he seemed to have some kind of epiphany that made him take off toward the big windows overlooking the street. I ran after him to stop him. He dove out through the windows, shattering the glass as he landed three stories below on the snow-dusted street.

As he lie broken in the road, no less than three different vehicles hit him, tearing up his legs until the blood soaked the snow, which was littered with chunks of flesh.

Ignoring the chaos that was breaking out in the store, I went outside. Emergency personnel were already arriving. That's when I spotted a female zombie wearing nothing more than a hospital gown, her head caked with some kind of grit. She lumbered toward the injured man. I had to do something. I couldn't let her interfere with his rescue. I waved my arms at her, getting her attention, and then led her on a merry chase. She moved more quickly than "traditional" zombies but wasn't fast enough to actually catch me, more due to lack of coordination than anything. We wove back and forth through the snow in the small town park next to the building with the shop.

In the last zombie dream, I was travelling through an underground tunnel with a team of zombie hunters, mostly men wearing shabby brown overcoats carrying flashlights and shotguns.

Actually, I lie. I don't remember the third dream. I do remember the flashlights and shotguns. Or maybe just the coats. But there were definitely zombies.

Sep 9, 2010

Posted by Maria Alexander # 3:57 PM

I Am a White Male OKCupid User?

So, OKCupid has posted some analyses they've done of their user profiles.

The most interesting of all are the correlations between religion and writing proficiency, with few surprises there except that non-serious Buddhists seem to be the best writers followed closely by serious atheists. Otherwise, pretty much what I would expect. Is it that Protestants think someday they'll inherit a scribe like Paul to follow them around and write their letters? The mind boggles.

I love a lot of the things on the list of what white male OKCupid users like:

I haven't seen Blazing Saddles yet. Lord Arux thinks I'll love it, and I'm sure I will. And I forgot to circle "brew" and "a few beers."

According to OKCupid's Christian Rudder: "Unless you're counting Queens of the Stone Age, there is not even one vaguely feminine thing on his list, and as far as broad categories go we have: sweaty guitar rock, bro-on-bro comedies, things with engines, and dystopias.

I guess I like a lot of unfeminine things. Which explains why, when we get to the white female users, I feel like a freaking alien:

"My toes"? "I'm blond"? What are we, a bunch of fucking Barbie dolls?

And "Diet Coke"? Let's get one thing straight: Diet Coke tastes like lighter fluid, okay? You women who profess to like Diet Coke have been totally brainwashed into thinking you have to like "skinny drinks" or else your ass will explode into a zepplin.

I so cannot relate. CANNOT.

All hail The Dropkick Murphys and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy! If that means I lose an X chromosome, rip it off, whydoncha?

Although, maybe it's just the Caucasian thing. I can relate much more to what Latinas like:

I just circled "my B.A." more to emphasize the inanity of "my toes." I can let "Twilight Saga" slide because of 100 Years of Solitude and Isabel Allende. As for the other races, Middle Eastern women on OKCupid are the closest I can relate to.

But white chicks? No way.

Healthy?

I've been quiet lately, mostly microblogging and working like mad until I run home to work on SILENCE OF THE IAMBS. I'm now at the midpoint of Draft 2, trying to finish it by the time BoucherCon lifts its skirt and cries come hither.

(And if you're not following the world's first Snarkiologist on Twitter and Facebook, just what on earth are you doing with your life?)

In the meantime, I just completed the questionnaire for LosCon 37 programming, where I'm really looking forward to being a Guest this year. I'll be meeting Emma Bull for the first time. I know -- can you believe I've never met her? It's only like every other person I meet on the street says, "Don't you know Emma Bull?" And mind you I'm pretty tired of saying, "No, I've never met her. But I hear she's neat."

Now I'll get a chance to find out for myself. And maybe do a reading, besides. It's "Dark Loscon," after all!

I might -- and I said might -- audition to sing with the Disney Candlelight Choir this Christmas. You all know how not down I am with the whole Jesus thing, not to mention Christmas in general. But...it's kind of an amazing thing to get to do, nonetheless. And most of the rehearsals are in Glendale. So, we'll see.

I would love to report that all of the hula hooping and gym and Weight Watchers and other nonsense I've been talking about on my Twitter account for the past few months now has been panning out. It hasn't. I lose not more than a couple of pounds every few weeks that creep back in the night.

Lisa was talking not too long ago about how to balance family stuff with writing. That's not my struggle as much as balancing health regimes with writing. I get up anywhere from 6:30am to 7:00am (depending on my insomnia), I eat a healthy breakfast at the table, I spend a little time with correspondence and taking care of the cats, and then I get ready for work. I go to work, come back home around 6:30pm, make a healthy dinner, take care of the cats again, perhaps make or return a phone call, and then that's all that's left for writing, exercising, errands and housekeeping that night. Usually housekeeping slides.

DISLIKE. A LOT.

At least I get to write during the day for my job. And that's pretty okay, I must say.

As you were.

Maria Alexander News and Updates from TheHandlessPoet.com

Sep 18, 2010

Mega Zombie Invasion!

Sep 9, 2010

I Am a White Male OKCupid User?

Healthy?

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