Maria Alexander News and Updates from TheHandlessPoet.com

May 27, 2009

Posted by Maria Alexander  # 10:00 AM

Drag Me to the Exit: Suck It, Raimi 

Saw DRAG ME TO HELL last night at a press screening with the Hedgebeast. What a miserable disappointment. Yes, it had some funny moments and some fun gross-out moments, but overall it was abysmally stupid.

First, hello, Mr. Raimi, but the lamia is a well-established creature of myth. Why call your creature a "lamia" when it isn't one at all? Why not call it a golem? Or a ghost? Or a cheeseburger? Because all three of these things have as much in common with a "lamia" as your creature does. And what's wrong with creating your own mythology? Make up a new name, a new monster. What, are you afraid of being original? Afraid no one will understand?

Oh, I know. It's because you think people are stupid, as evidenced by this film. Gotcha. Maybe you're right on that. But you seem to have credited many of your past audiences with a lot more intelligence. And I appreciated it.

Second, I just love the message of this movie. Two people are up for promotion to the same job: one's a well-qualified woman and the other a poorly qualified man. Yet, the boss seems just as likely to give the promotion to the jackass guy who doesn't even know how to do his job. Okay, fair enough. That happens in life. But to then punish the woman because she decides to make a responsible business decision for the financial institution that she works for is just insulting. Ladies, don't even try to be ambitious or think like "a man," or else you will go to Hell, go straight to Hell, do not pass Go, do not collect your raise, your better desk, or any respect whatsoever.

Third...I won't even go into the stereotypes and story holes. Not worth it.

Anyway, how could a man who's created so many wonderful films stoop so low?

I'm weary of stupid horror movies. I'm just going to tell people from now on that I love horror but hate horror movies. Because you know why? They mostly suck. When they're good, they're amazing, but 99% of them are trash.

I'm done.

 

 

May 24, 2009

Posted by Maria Alexander  # 10:40 PM

Star Trek: Suck It, JJ 

Big. Dumb. Fun.

I just saw the new Star Trek. It's big. It's dumb. It's fun. But I had to try really, really hard to ignore the dumb sometimes to get to the fun. Now that I pay so much money to see something on the big screen, I don't feel the kind of charity anymore that allows me to call things "dumb" so that I can claim the fun. The plot was dumb. The characters were sometimes dumb. And for fuck's sake, people, why did the women have to be such second-class citizens even in this "reboot" version? Bras? Panties? Childbirth? NOTHING has changed in 200 years? For Christ's sake. Really, REALLY fucking dumb.

Earlier I was at a "house cooling" party for Len Wein. They held it to thank those -- like Lord Arux -- who helped them salvage their belongings. I loved it. Some amazing writers were there, as you'd expect, as well as some friends, and I met the fellow who ran publicity for the original version of my all-time favorite movie, The Wicker Man. I geeked out big time with him.

Incidentally, I was working on my script for The Hunted today. Lord Arux started reading snippets and laughing out loud. I managed to figure out after talking to the Hedgebeast what I needed to do to plow past a plot hurtle. The end result won't have the insanely cool fight scenes that the Hedgebeast has in hers, but it should be incredibly silly.

I'm personally aiming for smallish smart fun.

And that is all. Hope you're enjoying your weekend wherever you are!

 

 

May 22, 2009

Posted by Maria Alexander  # 8:06 AM

A make/shift Event! 

Sunday, June 28th, 2009
Location: Somewhere in East Hollywood (Mysterious!)
Time: TBA (More mysterious!)

I'll be a featured reader at the upcoming fundraiser for make/shift magazine. Come hear me read "Dogma, Darth Vader, and My Sexual Awakening," and hang out with cool people devoted to social justice. I'll post more details when I have them.

 

 

May 17, 2009

Posted by Maria Alexander  # 8:47 PM

Camp-sess-ion 

I'm beginning to understand that my obsession with Bright Star isn't about the movie itself necessarily, but about the strength and imagination of Jane Campion. I want my own passion to come through in the historical works I'll be penning the hers permeates every scene, every word. That intensity was an opiate in The Piano. I never saw Holy Smoke, but mostly because it's only her historical works that interest me. There's a sort of shamanism about exploring history, a walk into the mists and return to tell the tale of what's on the other side.

-- and here is where we have a small but startling earthquake here in Los Angeles. That was cool and scary. --

Anyway, back to writing.

 

 

May 15, 2009

Posted by Maria Alexander  # 3:29 PM

Bright Star 

I'm entirely obsessed with Jane Campion's new film, Bright Star. I'm not a huge Keats fan, but I'm starving for another one of her haunting historical pieces. Behold the attention to the early 19th century detail in the love letters.

Swoon!



 

 

Heave Ho 

We've got ourselves a Stab-and-Gagger here at Uncle Walt's.

It started several months ago. Occasionally one would find one of the toilets full of someone's semi-digested food. It happened infrequently enough that people mused about who was pregnant in the office. Since then, we've had a few pregnancies who have come and gone.

Yet the problem is getting worse. Much, much worse.

At least two or three times a week now, someone is depositing huge amounts of vomit in the toilets -- usually the fourth stall, just before the disabled stall. At times, like today, you can't walk in without gagging yourself. And if you stumble upon it, you'll notice either bright blue, red or yellow bits in the mix. (I've never seen the red or yellow myself. Only the blue.)

One of my female colleagues reports that sometime last week she was applying makeup in front of the sink at the end of the day when someone entered briskly and slipped into the stall of choice for our S&G. They then proceeded to heave vociferously. Just as my colleague was thinking she'd stick it out and solve the mystery, the person plopped down on the seat and rained diarrhea. This sent everyone fleeing the bathroom who could possibly get out.

My fellow writers are a bit fixated on figuring out who it is. They squinch their eyes at anyone who looks the least bit gaunt. I confess that the suspicion wafts through me once in a while. But we're all so damned neurotic, how could anyone possibly narrow this down without holding someone down and prying open their mouth to find teeth rotted by stomach acid?

In the mean time, I think I'll be avoiding Stall #4 for a while...

 

 

May 13, 2009

Posted by Maria Alexander  # 12:34 PM

Stoker Awards Weekend Schedule 

Hello, horror fans!

I'll be making three significant appearances at the Stoker Awards Weekend. Here's the schedule:

June 11th, Thursday
7pm
Dark Delicacies Gang Bang Signing

June 12th, Friday
4pm
GLBT in Horror (Panel)

June 13th, Saturday
2pm
Reading

Come to one -- come to all! I'll be reading my latest work, "Nickleback Ned," which screenwriter Sean Dickson said was "like reading a thrilling Stephen King story, back when he was fresh and dangerous."

I'll also be at the awards banquet. Looking forward to see the usual suspects and more!

 

 

May 6, 2009

Posted by Maria Alexander  # 11:01 PM

Long in the Tooth 

This morning I went for what was ostensibly my last root canal treatment. Hooray! I still have to go back for a regular filling and crown, which will cost a small fortune, of course. But the horror is finished, as far as I know.

The best part of actually finishing was the x-ray that the dental assistant took of the tooth right afterward. There were these two "eyes" in the crown of the tooth complete with eyebrows, a "pug" nose beneath, and the very long tooth roots curved to form an oblong screaming mouth. (My roots are, from what I'm told, pretty long. 32mm and 34mm in that tooth.) I pointed at the x-ray and said, "There's an evil face in my tooth! Look!" The assistant saw it when I pointed it out. But the dentist saw it right away. "Well, won't you look at that! A face!" he said hardly before I could make a numb-lipped peep.

The whole misadventure has rocked my body in the worst way. Massive headaches and now other medical drama that the doctor says is related to the trauma of the root canal infection. Let's hope it passes swiftly so that I can get some damned writing done, to say the least!

 

 

May 1, 2009

Posted by Maria Alexander  # 11:02 PM

Story Acceptance, Earthquake & Tooth or Dare 

Had a story accepted tonight for what looks like a truly awesome anthology. So far I'm sharing the sheets with some very fine writers. Will say more when I can.

I was standing on the second floor of a very cute condo when Agent Gal got excited and said, "Oh! We're having an earthquake!" Myself, I barely felt it. Clearly, I was absorbed in other things, like realizing that, although the place was gorgeous, it didn't have enough wall space for my zillions of bookshelves.

The tooth is progressing but not nearly at the rate I'd expected. I've been taking the antibiotics since basically Monday morning and I still can't chew worth anything without pain. I've got 4 more days of medication. Maybe it'll improve dramatically over the weekend. Meanwhile, I keep trying to eat all kinds of things and keep failing. I guess it's Gerber's for me. Or just pass me a Guinness! It's liquid bread, after all.

 

 

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